I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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