OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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