I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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