Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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