What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
