So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
