im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Welp...herpes.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
