she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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