sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
