Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry about my life...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
