you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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