screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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