literally had 100 drinks last night.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
