Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
