I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
