I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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