And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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