Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
