i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
