ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
