I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
