Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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