i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
