Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
