you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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