i love accidental penises.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
