Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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