she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
