??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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