I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
