Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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