Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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