Got a toothbrush?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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