i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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