I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The beer is more important than you right now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
