I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
