At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
