I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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