It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize