Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize