Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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