You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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