you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
