i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He did a backflip because drugs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
