Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
