dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize