I bet he comes in French.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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