textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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