Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
