i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
even my farts smell like vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just want to make out with him forever
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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