Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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