it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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