I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
