I could make wine with my vomit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
