Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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